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Happy New Year!!!
1/1/2009 10:07:00 PM
I hope you all have had a very safe and happy new year! It seems weird posting after so long of being away. There were some issues with readers of Rod's blog, as well as mine, which lead him to delete his blog all together, and the wind taken from my sails to post anything about what is going on with my life.
Right now as I type, I really have no desire to say anything about what has been going on except, life has been good. I'm happy with my work. I had a wonderful Christmas with family and my closest friends. I love, very much, the people I spent the holidays with. My cats got lots of presents from the family too - they now have a toy box filled with their toys.
I'm glad that 2008 is history. Today is a new day. Live in the now and I wish you all a blessed 2009.
Just a few minutes to say I'm still alive...
12/16/2008 2:48:00 PM
Things have been pretty busy since I started this job. I've become rather lazy/spoiled since I got my iPhone and don't even open the laptop sitting on the coffee table right next to me let alone search for pictures and write a quality post. Even now as I down a quick salad at work I can't seem to keep myself focused on this post because I have so much to get done in my office. But I'm alive and well & hopefully will have the time and energy to put something good & substantial on my blog. Hope all is well with you!
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present. - Oogway
11/23/2008 10:25:00 AM
Let's reflect, shall we? The past year of my life has been a roller coaster, to say the least. It was the year of leaving the comfort zone; dealing with a loss; and jumping feet first into the unknown. I learned a lot about myself during this year. Sure there were many emotions that I would have rather not experienced, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
Last year at this time I was working at a job I hated. I had a really nice title and office, but I felt worthless. I didn't know what I was doing and there was no direction. I was hiding things that were wrong, and was made to promise not to tell anyone. But because I knew that was were I was supposed to be at that time I stuck out the horrible snowstorms, the constrictions on my whereabouts during the day, and the unsettling feeling in my stomach everyday. My soul died a little everyday I went to work until I couldn't take it anymore. I made a decision to leave. I overstayed my welcome for a month and left. No job. No promise of finding a job. Just a promise from my family to help me pay my bills while I looked. I called a friend to vent, and she called someone and the next day I had a meeting for a job.
I had a choice of two positions. I could sell home and auto insurance, or be a financial advisor. It took me a few days to decide the first option and the hiring process began....and took two and half months to complete. I was unemployed for the first time since I was 8 years old (no exaggeration here what-so-ever) and I rarely left the house. Gas was expensive. Food was expensive. I made a $600 check last two months (thank god for my parent's help paying my bills) and I made the decision to pull out the money I had sitting in a 401(k) for 2 years, just sitting there doing nothing. I was nervous doing this, but I actually pulled it in the nick of time, as the market slowly started falling and now it would be worth nothing.
During this time, a bank I used to work at called me and said the were looking for a credit analyst. This was the next step for me in my banking career, but in a way I felt I was going backwards. Of course, this took forever too. I basically thought, 'Wherever I'm supposed to be will present itself first.' I "moved forward" and started the new adventure. It was rough. I was making less then half of what I was used to making. The help from my parent's stopped and I supplemented my income with that 401(k) money -- $1,000 from that fund a month. But I stuck it out, making the best of it all. During this time I was struck with another surprise.
My two best friends left my life with no real explanation. Just thinking about that time in my life, that uncertainty of what was going on, still brings tears to my eyes and hurts my heart. I felt as if I suffered a loss. I didn't think I was ever going to talk to them again. I was so out of sorts I got into two car accidents, both my fault. But through the bad, the good comes out. Friends and family were so amazingly supportive. Friends I hadn't talked to in ages were coming to my rescue and keeping me busy. I had such a good time, I learned who I was again. Me. Not part of a group of people, but just me. I don't know if I ever really knew who I was, or what I liked, because I was always trying to please other people.
Just as I was over that situation, another one presented itself. My partner told me he couldn't afford me anymore. I had two options: Find another job, or move into another position. I didn't have to make the decision right away, but think about it over the long weekend. I have never been more angry. So angry I couldn't even breath when I left work. It was not necessary to think about it, since there was not an option to find another job in a horrible economy, so I took the other position with a promise of support and success. I had a hard time with this promise because if that were the case I wouldn't be in the position I was in to begin with. That weekend, still fuming at my partner and after 3 1/2 months, one of my friends showed up at my door.
It was a bad day for him to come by, but it allowed me the courage to say exactly what I wanted to say about the past 3 1/2 months. We somewhat wiped the slate clean. Instead of suppressing what I feel like I normally do, we talked about everything and that felt so good. It felt good for me because I don't say a lot of what I'm thinking in fear people will leave. Can we say abandonment issues? Not anymore, I can now bring myself to express my opinion and if you don't like it and want to leave you're the one with the problem, not me. I would hope that you would take the time to understand where I'm coming from before leaving, but that is the choice that needs to be made by you. I am a true believer of unconditional love and think we should have that for our close friends and family. If you are a true friend of mine, I have that for you, some say it could be a fault, I think not.
Anyway, I started the new position 8 weeks ago. I would wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, stomach knotted, thinking about this position. I could do it though. If certain people could do it, I could do it. I was constantly trying to convince myself that this was going to be my career. I would be good at anything I set my mind too. While I really didn't want to have to work so hard, I was going to commit to doing so in order to be successful. Then out of the blue I got a phone call.
Two weeks ago, the bank that I left to try the other side of banking, the same bank that was in the cue before I "moved forward" in a different direction, called me. The loan coordinator that took my position when I left to try the other side of banking was taking on a new career and the loan officer wanted me to come back. I knew she was leaving as we have remained close friends. I helped her write her resignation letter, and coached her in her speech to the loan officer when she gave it to him. Anyway, the reason for not posting is because I've been busy leaving one job and taking on another. We fast tracked everything and I quit my job on the 10th with a soft offer, once again unemployed indefinitely, but started work that Thursday.
That Wednesday I was hit with something that knocked me on my ass, and while I'm not going into detail I will say, that things like that harden me more than I already am. It's sad to say that I have grown to trust very few people. I no longer have expectations of others because I'm always surprised by their actions. This is good and bad. That day I learned the surprising loyalty and love of some and from others the ability to throw me under a very big, potentially debilitating, bus after so much I've given.
Today I am 32 years old. Looking at the number on the screen is so strange as in some respects I don't feel that old, nor do I think I look that old. My life has always been driven by certain goals set by my peers: marriage, children, etc. But at this age I have learned that my life is driven by me, with the help of God. I am constantly moving forward. I was so worried about "going backwards" when taking this bank job. But in actuality, I was fortunate enough to learn over a year of trying new things, living outside the box, taking risks, that banking is where I am suppose to be. I am good at it, influential people want me on their team. As far as marriage and children, I don't doubt it will come, it will just show up unexpectedly. I've always been a planner, but I never planned for the things that have happened over the past year of my life. To try and plan so much for the future, is a good way to set yourself up for disappointment. I've been very disappointed in the past - more often then not - and it's my own fault. I've learned so many good things from the bad and I'm ready to take each day as it comes. No expectations, just gratefulness for the gift of today.
Some Days Just Knock You On Your Ass...
11/13/2008 7:35:00 PM
Yesterday was one of those days. It was horribly disappointing, gut wrenching, and diabolical all at the same time; and today, I'm still having a hard time with it. I've never been one to claim to understand people, but when you've put yourself in a situation to help people and they turn it around on you, there is a feeling that is indescribable. I sit and wonder what were they thinking? Why would they do that? What do they have to gain by hurting others? Did they realize the actions that would transpire? I cried a lot yesterday and am trying to control the tears today. This was in addition to finding out that my mom has to have a procedure done, and it's not a little one either. I am grateful for the support of Rodney and Isaac, and the pretty shoes they bought me to in effort to make me feel better. All of this has overshadowed something that is really good, but I just can't celebrate that right now and my sadness has overcome all else. But I have hope that this too shall pass.
Do We Make Our Own Destiny or Are We On God's Good Will?
11/9/2008 7:03:00 PM
As I've learned to deal with changes in life so much better, I never know what door to go through when new ones open. They are always unexpected openings and I can't help but wonder if I'm supposed to go through that door because it suddenly opened. Or what the significance of it opening again, twice, in a relatively short amount of time. Life feels like a game sometimes, and I'm really not a huge fan of games. I've heard quite a bit these past couple of months, "When you decide what you want to do, the Universe has it's way of making it happen." Being one who likes control, it's hard for me to let go. It's hard for me not to think of every possible good and bad thing that could happen if I do one thing and not the other. I think too much. I wrap my head around an idea and stick to it, and sometimes I'm disappointed. Today I am so grateful for my dear friends, who called early this morning, and showed up later in the morning to spend most of the day with me. Actually, they've been with me every day since minutes after I walked in the door from work on Friday night and again last night for movies and ice cream. I think God did know that I needed a distraction, and sent the perfect people to do that. I apologize if these thoughts come across randomly; my brain is a bit out of sorts.